FAMILY!!!

I’m sure you've noticed that we have the most intense conflicts at home, within our family, with the people closest to us. Family conflicts bring us the most pain, make us suffer, and distress us.  Whether it’s another shouting match with a teenage child or a disagreement with your spouse, conflicts at home are the most challenging to face because it’s so easy to be held hostage by your own emotions.[1]

Family conflict holds center stage of the drama where a father favors one son. We witness the envy, the jealousy, of the other brothers and their plot to rid the family of this golden child, Joseph.  In the Gospel, after sharing the parable, Jesus asks, “What will the owner of the vineyard do to those tenants when he comes?”  (Mt After they answer, he implies that they resemble the tenants and the Kingdom of God is like the vineyard.[2]

A sobering thought came to me during my reflections.  We are the tenants and the Kingdom of God is the Earth.  I’m resisting the desire to break into the song, “We Are Family.”  Yet we are, all Christians, even further, humanity is the family of our Creator.

As such, we need to figure out a better way to resolve family conflicts.  Change doesn’t start with the other.  Change begins with us, from within us.  When we need to set ourselves free from negative emotions, negotiators suggest we metaphorically "go to the balcony", to look at the conflict with some detachment.  I know it’s easier said than done. Viewing the conflict from different perspectives allows us to detach ourselves and get some clarity. Clarity is important if you want to resolve conflict and avoid escalation.  So there are three perspectives we can take to assist us in entering a state of clarity.

From our own perspective, it requires us to achieve a higher degree of self-awareness. This is done by asking our self, “what’s really bothering us?” Often what has upset us may not be what we are in conflict about, but is a trigger for something deeper.

Viewing the situation from the other’s perspective is a fundamental step that requires us to have empathy and through empathy to widen our understanding of what’s really going on.  Put ourselves in the other’s shoes for a moment, helps suspend our judgment and to see the situation from the perspective of another.

Using a third party’s perspective allows us to put ourselves in the position of an observer viewing the situation.  Like sitting in a movie theater, watching the conflict projected on a screen as if it were a movie. What is it all about?  What are they seeing?  We can also invite Jesus in as the third person to discuss it with Him.

Conflict can always be an opportunity: for better communication, for a dialogue about problems that matter, for a more authentic relationship, for self-growth, for being Christ-like in the midst of challenges.

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[1] Psychology Today. “3 Steps to Resolving Conflict Within Your Family” by Aldo Civico Ph.D. Posted: Jun 04, 2015.

[2] Weekday HomilyHelps. Homily Suggestion by Linus Mundy.